The Christian Family Part 5: How To Fix A Bad Marriage (Matthew 18:21-35)

Text: Matthew 18:21-35
Title: The Christian Family Pt. 5: How To Fix A Bad Marriage
Date: March 5th, 2023
Location: Christ Covenant Church – Centralia, Washington

Matthew 18:21-35

²¹ Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? ²² Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. ²³ Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. ²⁴ And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. ²⁵ But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. ²⁶ The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. ²⁷ Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. ²⁸ But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. ²⁹ And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. ³⁰ And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. ³¹ So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. ³² Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: ³³ Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? ³⁴ And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. ³⁵ So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

Prayer

Father, we ask now that as we study your word, you would give your Holy Spirit unto us, that we being good soil, might receive the implanted word, and bear fruit that remains. We ask this in Jesus name, Amen.

Introduction

This morning we are going to answer the question, “How do you fix a bad marriage?”

• I’ll give you the bad news up front, which is that sadly not all marriages can be fixed. It takes two people to have a marriage, and when one person refuses to repent, has abandoned the marriage, or has committed adultery, that breaking of the marriage covenant can at times become irreparable, and in those cases of hardness of heart, Jesus says, divorce is permitted.
  • This is actually the next topic that Jesus addresses after our sermon text. The Pharisees ask, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?” Jesus says “No, except it be for fornication.”
• So not all marriages can be fixed, sometimes divorce is a sad necessity, but only then as a last resort with the advice and consent of the church.
  • So that’s the bad news, not all marriages can be fixed.
• The good news is that most marriages can be fixed. Jesus saves. Jesus redeems. Jesus raises dead things to life, and that includes raising dead marriages from the grave.
• As we have already seen in this sermon series, the Bible portrays Jesus as the faithful husband, the true Adam, the bridegroom who dies to save his bride. And this coming of Christ to die and rise for sinners, is the only hope for any of us, and the only hope for any marriage. Without Jesus at the center of your household, everything else will fall apart.
• So is Jesus the most important person in your home? Is honoring God the most important house rule? If not, you will have marriage problems, you will have parenting problems, you will have all kinds of troubles that eat away at your relationships. But if Christ is the foundation, Jesus says, the rains can fall, the floods can pour, the winds can blow and beat upon your house, but you will stand firm.
• So Christ and His gospel is the solution to every bad marriage (to every messed up household), but how exactly does He fix things?
  • Well there are two things that are essential to every good relationship and those two things are love and trust. Without mutual love and mutual trust, no marriage can survive.
  • And so another way of saying, “How do you fix a bad marriage?” would be to ask, “How do you restore love and rebuild trust in a marriage? How does Jesus help us to do that?”
• To answer that question let us turn to our sermon text.

Verses 21-22

²¹ Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? ²² Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

• Here we could substitute Peter’s question as such, “Lord, how oft shall my husband or wife sin against me, and I forgive them?” “How many times until I have permission to go off on them? Until seven times?
  • Jesus says, “not seven times, but seventy times seven.”
  • What does this mean?
• Does anyone know where seventy times seven first shows up in Scripture?
  • The answer is in Genesis 4. Cain murders his brother, and then God says, “whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold.”
  • And then a few verses later we meet Lamech, who says to his two wives. “Adah and Zillah, Hear my voice; Ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech: For I have slain a man to my wounding, And a young man to my hurt. If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, Truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold,” (there is the first seventy times seven, LXX).
  • This idea of judgment happening in patterns of seven, or 70 or seventy times seven is a theme that continues through the Old Testament, and comes to a climax in Jesus Christ.
    • When Israel breaks covenant with God, they are sent into exile for 70 years.
    • In Daniel 9 there is a prophecy, that Christ would bring an end to sacrifice in the 70^th seven, the seventieth week.
    • When Luke gives us his genealogy for Jesus, he traces 77 generations from Christ to Adam.
    • And in all these instances seven signifies some kind of completeness, with seventy times seven being the totality of that completeness.
  • So what does this mean for forgiveness? It means the Jesus has come to forgive the sins of the whole world, and if Jesus offers whole and entire and complete forgiveness, then we His followers must do the same.
    • Which means we must forgive our brother, our husband, our wife, as many times as it takes. Not only must we forgive without keeping count, but we must forgive the sins that seem most unforgiveable. Sins like murder, sins that only the Cains and Lamechs of the world commit. That is what forgiving seventy times seven means, and if that seems crazy, well Jesus has a story to tell you.

Verse 23

²³ Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants.

• This story is a similitude (an analogy) for what God’s kingdom is like, and it is like a king who is settling accounts with his servants. This is judgment day, the king is Christ, and we are the servants, that’s the setup.

Verse 24

 ²⁴ And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents.

• How much is ten thousand talents?
• Ten thousand was the highest Greek numeral, and a talent was the largest unit of currency. In other words, this is the largest financial sum you could speak of.
  • Just to give you some perspective, the imperial taxes for Judea, Idumea, Samaria, Galilee and Perea, all combined was only 800 talents.And so here is a servant who owes the king over 12 times the annual tax revenue of all of those regions.
  • This is a huge debt, and that is how much every person owes God.
  • Now someone might object here and say it seems unjust for God to punish us eternally for something that only happened in a moment in this life?
    • How is it that this servant could even accumulate that much debt?
    • Well this question misunderstands both who God is, and how justice works.
    • Example: How long does it take to commit the act of murder? It takes only a few minutes to commit a murder, or to commit adultery, and yet the consequences of those momentary actions will last for a lifetime, they are irreversible.
      • You cannot undo a murder, or undo adultery, once those crimes have been committed, there is no way to repay, and thus under God’s law, the penalty for those crimes was death.
    • So the duration of the crime is not the only metric for justice, you also have to factor in the heinousness of the crime.
    • For example, if a grown man punches another grown man in the face for no reason, that’s pretty bad. But if he punches an old lady, or punches a child, or punches a pregnant woman, or a baby, we all know that is far worse and should be punished more severely. The same goes for when a person of great dignity is attacked. If you tried to punch the king, or assault the king’s wife, you probably are going to be hung, because that is more heinous crime.
    • And this is how it is with God.
  • Who created you? God. Who gives you life and breath? God.
  • Who gives us rain in its season, sunshine, and soil, and makes food to come out of the ground? God.
  • What do we have that we did not receive? And yet we are born ungrateful, entitled, born complaining, more than that we use the vocal cords and breath in our lungs to blaspheme, to profane and curse God and our neighbor, we worship other things besides God and demean His glory.
  • God is of infinite dignity and value, and yet we have not given Him what He deserves. That is the real injustice we should be outraged by. People do not treat God as God. That is the 10,000 talent crime we have all committed. And the fact that someone even asks the question about the fairness of hell, goes to show how depraved and sinful our hearts are. We are blind to our own wickedness. We are ignorant of the debt we owe.
  • And so Jesus tells us this story in part to teach us about ourselves and about sin. To teach us what we owe.

Verses 25-26

²⁵ But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. ²⁶ The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

• How long would it take to pay back 10,000 talents?
  • A talent was equal to 6,000 denarii, and an average worker’s daily wage was 1 denarius (Matt. 20:10). So if this servant were to pay back that 10,000 talents, it would take him 164,383 years (that’s 27x the entire history of the earth, if it’s 6,000 years old).
  • The servant knows this, and yet he says, “have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.”
  • Do you think the king believed him? I don’t think so. And yet verse 27 says….

Verse 27

²⁷ Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt.

• This is the heart of God toward sinners. He is moved with compassion, He knows far better than we the debt we owe Him, He knows that no amount of time, and no amount work, can ever pay it back, and yet He is moved with compassion, even at the lie we tell to Him or ourselves saying, “I will pay you back.” That is the heart of God toward sinners.
• Now you would think that this offer of such lavish and undeserved forgiveness would have an effect on someone. It might make them more compassionate as well. But what does the servant do?

Verse 28

²⁸ But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest.

• Now it is common to hear how little a hundred pence is, and compared to 10,000 talents it is a tiny sum. But a hundred pence is not 100 pennies, it’s 100 days’ worth of wages.
  • Imagine you went to work for 3½ months, and never got paid. That’s what 100 pence is. And when you put it like that, that’s actually a significant amount. It’s not unpayable like the 10,000 talents, but that’s still a quarter of your annual income.
• So think about what you would do if that amount was owed to you. How would you feel when you saw that person who owes you? Would you be moved with compassion? Would you be inclined to forgive their debt? Or would you do what this servant does, and grab them by throat and tell them to pay up?
• This is what bad marriages are like. You hold old sins against your spouse. You don’t ever let them forget what they owe you. You keep all the receipts, a record of wrong. You grab them by the throat any chance you get and tell them to pay up.
• What is the habit of a bad marriage? You minimize your sins and magnify their sins. All your sins are understandable, reasonable, there’s good excuses for them (you had headache), but all their sins are totally unacceptable.
• And so long as that is the way you relate to your fellowservant (your husband, your wife, your in-laws, your parents), you are telling God, please treat me like that. Treat me that way I treat other people.
  • What do we pray in the Lord’s prayer, “forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.”
  • That is a dangerous prayer to pray if you have any unforgiveness in your heart. And it is so serious that you ought to question whether you are born again, if love and forgiveness is not coming out of you. Why?
  • Because look at what happens to the unforgiving servant in this parable.

Verses 29-35

 ²⁹ And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. ³⁰ And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. ³¹ So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. ³² Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: ³³ Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? ³⁴ And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. ³⁵ So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

• The destiny of those who refuse to forgive from their hearts, is never ending torment. Jesus says, you will be handed over to the torturers, that is how serious unforgiveness is to God.
• This is compounded in marriage by the fact that you are one with your spouse. And so to hold a debt over the head of your husband or wife, is to hold a debt over your own head. Aren’t you one flesh? Aren’t you on the same team? Aren’t your possessions shared?
  • Usually, the person who holds onto the debt does so because they think it gives them power. And so to forgive would be to relinquish that power you feel over someone (to get your way). And that is exactly what God demands you give up when you forgive. You give up the judgment seat.
• In Scripture there are two chairs you can sit in. There is the throne for the king who sits as judge, and then there is the mercy seat. The person who refuses to forgive is the person who has set themselves up as God. Because who has the power to forgive sins but God alone?
• And so to forgive is to get up and give the judgment over to God, and then go and sit down next to your spouse in the mercy seat.
• This is where all good marriages must begin and must stay. With husband and wife together in the mercy seat, and God alone sitting as judge. And there is no hope for your marriage until this happens. You cannot make any real progress in restoring love or rebuilding trust until the debts have been settled before the Lord.
• I’ll close with a couple of practical applications in how to do this.

1. Jesus says, remove the plank from your own eye, before you deal with the speck in your brother’s eye (Matt. 7:1-5).
   1. Meaning, all of us tend to magnify other people’s sins and minimize our own. And if that is the case, do not confront the sin of your spouse until you have sought forgiveness from them for your sins. That’s the order of things. Deal with your plank before their speck.
2. Ask yourself and ask the Lord these two questions:
   1. 1. Is there anyone I need to ask for forgiveness? Anyone at all? Is there anyone you have wronged and never sought forgiveness from? It might be parents, in-laws, children, relatives, friends, coworkers, kid on the playground you bullied in kindergarten, go all the way back. And then…
      1. Write their name down (make a list), and if they are still alive, and you remember (and they do to) then go and seek forgiveness.
      1. If they don’t live nearby, write them a letter, send them an email. But do whatever is within your power to make things right. This is a general rule, there are some exceptions.
      1. And if you have questions or are unsure what to do, email me, come talk to me, I’m happy to help.
      1. But the important thing is that you confess that sin to God. They might not remember, they might be dead, but make sure you and God are good.
   1. 2. Is there anyone I need to forgive? Who has wronged you and it still hurts? What sins does love seem unable to cover? Who are you still sitting in the judgment seat over (replaying that scene), wanting them to pay up for their sins?
      1. Write it down and give it to the Lord. Give it to the one who actually is the judge and will judge justly.
      1. They may never apologize, or ask for forgiveness, but it does you no good to keep thinking about that 100 pence they owe. Especially when God cleared your 10,000 talents. Think about that instead.

Conclusion

Jesus says in Matthew 7, “Judge not, that you be not judged. ² For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.”

• Meaning, on Judgment Day, God is going to say to you, how did you treat other people? Did you forgive them, or punish them? Did you murder them in your heart, or have compassion upon them? How many times did you forgive? Seven times, or seventy times seven?
  • Jesus says, “So likewise shall my heavenly Father do unto you.”
• What do you want to hear on judgment day? “Well done good and faithful servant enter into the joy of your master,” OR, “depart from me you worker of iniquity, I never knew you.” The choice is yours.
• To know God is to know forgiveness. It is to know that your ten-thousand talent debt, that would take 164,000 years to repay, has been paid by the blood of the Lamb, and therefore anything anyone ever does to you, is just 100 pence in comparison.
  • It might hurt, there is real sin and betrayal and evil in this world, but where sin abounds God’s grace has abounded all the more.
• And so let grace abound in your marriage. Make the death and resurrection and reign of Christ, the foundation of your home. That is how you begin to restore love and rebuild trust in marriage.
• In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.